Prepare for a reality check as we shine a spotlight on the glaring disconnect between office language and actual work. In this section, I’ll unveil the irony of mission statements that sound noble but lack substance, and my interpretations.

Example:
Manager: “Our mission is to revolutionize the industry through groundbreaking innovation.”
Employee (rolling eyes): “I thought our mission was to fix the coffee machine that’s been broken for a month.”

A mission statement is supposed to convey the core tenants of a company or organization. It’s a blueprint for all employees to follow and project to the outside world. However, many of the statements leave employees scratching their heads and wondering how they actually pertain to them.
 

These mission statements are from well-known companies. You may recognize some of them. So as not to offend, the companies will remain anonymous. I even like many of these companies and the products they sell, but I can still poke fun at the culture they represent!

Mission: “To spread the power of optimism”
Interpretation: Pretty profound, huh? It’s noble, but what does it really say? I would think any organization would like to have that as a goal.

Mission: “Become essential to our customers by providing differentiated products and services to help them achieve their aspirations.”
Interpretation: Huh? So, you want to help customers achieve their goals? That’s admirable. Just say it.

Mission: “Transform the way people work together by helping them collaborate better. Faster. On everything. From anywhere.”
Interpretation: So, you want people to work together so they can work together better? A great example of corporate double-speak.

Mission: “To inspire humanity – both in the air and on the ground.”
Interpretation: Nothing says humanity like filling an aluminum cylinder full of people and hurtling it through the air at high speed!

Mission: “To empower every person and every organization on the planet to achieve more.”
Interpretation: Can we be more vague? I’d like to think that every company, regardless of industry, would think this is important.

Mission: “Everything we do is about you. We strive to keep you at your best, and we remain loyal to you, your tastes and your time. That’s what America runs on.”
Interpretation: It’s coffee!

Mission: “To inspire and nurture the human spirit – one person, one cup and one neighborhood at a time.“
Interpretation: Once again…it’s coffee!

Mission: “Our deepest purpose as an organization is helping support the health, well-being, and healing of both people — customers, Team Members, and business organizations in general — and the planet.”
Interpretation: Both people? Oh, you mean both people AND the Planet!

Mission: “We save people money so they can live better.”
Interpretation: Aren’t you sweet?

Mission: “To collect, preserve, study, exhibit, and stimulate appreciation for and advance knowledge of works of art that collectively represent the broadest spectrum of human achievement at the highest level of quality, all in the service of the public and in accordance with the highest professional standards.”
Interpretation: Wow! I feel sorry for employees that had to memorize this so they can explain what they do for a living.

Mission: “To help our clients create such high levels of economic value that together we set new standards of excellence in our respective industries.”
Interpretation: Such a lofty goal. I wish I were one of their clients!

Mission: We wish to maintain our hard-earned reputation for bringing added value to the lives of consumers.
Interpretation: So, did your reputation suck at one time?

Mission: “To create a better everyday life for the many people.”
Interpretation: The many people? What the hell does that mean?

Mission: “Build the best product, cause no unnecessary harm, use business to inspire and implement solutions to the environmental crisis.”
Interpretation: This one actually has an agenda built right in!

Mission: “To fill the world with emotion, through the power of creativity.”
Interpretation: This one could be used by any company.

Mission: “To give customers the most compelling shopping experience possible.”
Interpretation: Is this a department store? An online site? A mall? A head shop? Could be anything!

I could go on and on, but many corporate mission statements tend to be nebulous expressions of intent, where ambiguity dances with noble aspirations. Most seek to “Spread the power of optimism” – with a sprinkle of vague positivity, because who needs specifics?
 

Kudos to those aiming to become essential through offering various products, while also championing collaboration in a corporate inception of working better together. Don’t we all want to work better together? Don’t we all want to use the best products or services to make our lives easier?

From imploring everyone and their grandma to save the planet with their coffee loyalty, these missions navigate the fine line between humanitarian multitasking and mysterious shopping experiences. It’s a cryptic ballet of corporate intent, where setting new standards and being a world-changer are just part of the caffeinated circus. Delightfully vague – because why be straightforward when you can be part of the enigmatic corporate carnival?